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Wednesday April 23rd 2009
As me old mate Zodiac Mindwarp once mumbled in my ear… “Fucked by rock!”
Good gawd almighty I couldn’t put it better myself.
I haven’t had a night like last Mondays since the US Ozzfest in 2000!
Needless to say that the klub rocked hard, heavy and animal!!!
Not only did we have the incredibly talented covers band Netherworld playing live,
plus birthday boy magician, Jon Randall, playing with our minds, but Iron Maiden
also decided to have there film premiere party there as well.
I saw Bruce, Janick, and Adrian with my own eyes and knelt at their feet and kissed
their rings, ooooooerrr. I’m told that Nicko was present, but as I didn’t have
to do DJ duties upstairs at the party until after Netherworld had finished, and as I
kept sneaking in to sample the generous hospitality of the free drinks, it all
became a bit of a blur!
So let’s start off with what I do remember.
Once again the mighty Andy Evil Eye was helping out on the deathdecks, providing the
perfect music to pleasure our ears and pants, sir I salute you!
First live entertainment of the night went to birthday boy, Jon Randall, who kept us
amused and enthralled for 20 minutes with some brain damaging pieces of magik,
involving playing cards, ladies bosoms, cider, myself and a fluffy sheep and also a
fair amount of audience participation, a very good start to the night indeed!
He returned later in the evening to perform ‘Houdini’s Séance’ to a brave bunch of
punters in the VIP room, but as I was, cough, working, I had to give that one a
miss, but by all accounts it was spoooooooky!!
By the time Jon had finished his first act I popped upstairs to see how the Maiden
party was going and, by fuck, it WAS going!!! People I hadn’t seen in years were popping
out all over the place, including Classic Rock ubermeister himself, Chris Ingham, top
dog progmeister, Jerry Ewing, and a lot of record company peeps and managerial big
wigs that I hadn’t rubbed oily chests with for years. It was impressive to behold
and brought a tear to me old glass eye, of course there were a few faces that sent
shivers down my spine and the taste of copper running around me gob! Haaaaargh!
Haaaaargh!
Next up was live music from three piece Netherworld, www.myspace.com/netherworldrock, consisting of the very, very talented Jason Stretch on vocals and guitar, backed by the brutal bass playing and vocals of Paul Smith and the death defying drumming of Ian Roberts. Netherworld, covered the best classic rock songs known to this planet, and not only that but they were joined on stage by Dirty DC II vocalist, Grant, who not only provided us with some superb Brian Johnson
growls for several AC/DC covers including ‘Highway To Hell’ and ‘Hell Ain’t A Bad
Place To Be’ but actually got me shaking my pants on the dance floor in a manly
style.
After Netherworld had finished I left Evil Eye in charge of the spinning of shiny
silver discs and went upstairs to do the same thing. I’m told it went well and I can
certainly put my hand on my naughty bits and say that the drinks flowed freely and
plentifully. I’m sure at one point I saw Bruce doing a few of his fencing moves and
I certainly saw Janick enjoying the odd swig‘n’jig to the tunes.
By close of play there were several people falling over, well okay, only one, but a
very impressive one. Woody, I’m proud of you, it was like watching myself when I was
your age, cough!
But oh no, the party wasn’t finished yet as a hastily put together motley brew of
myself, my good lady Lolli, Jenny, my manager Steve, Rich Bitch Terry and the one
and only legendary Charlie headed off into the night to jam, discuss the forthcoming
budget and make plans for the klub night.
I would like to go into further detail but my lawyer has told me that it is more comfortable at home than in the nick!!! But I can tell you on the 1st of June we’ll have Sons Of Merrick, www.myspace.com/sonsofmerrick headlining with support from Rich Bitch, www.richbitchrock.com.
Next Monday, 27th April, we have The Whybirds, www.myspace.com/thewhybirds headlining with their unique distillation of rock music from the last four decades, with support from Red-Eyed Suburbanites who have a flute player, more controversy for you to chew on.
Till then may your hair always grow and if you have no hair may your nails grow and
if you have no nails you’re an alien!!!
Krusher
Wednesday April 15th 2009
Oh the suffering, the horror, the debauchery, the sheer bloody punctuality
of birthdays!!!
And it came to pass that on Saturday 11th April in the year of our Rock
2009, I, Stephen George Falkoner Fuckpig Krusher Joule reached the ripe,
messy and mushy age of 4,355. To celebrate this momentous achievement, I
decided to reform my legendary and very unhygienic band Pighorn to play at
my birthday blow out at the Embassy Klub rock night. Check the videos out here
We hadn’t performed in fifteen years and had caused so much pain and grief
in the past, not only to the audience and ourselves, but also to some
truly classic songs.
Pighorn was a true band of the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, reflecting not
only the trends and fashions of those halcyon years, but actually leading
the way in style and culture.
The original band consisted of 13 guitarists, 3 bass players, 1 drummer, 1
bottle opener and the dulcet vocals of myself.
The songs written all consisted of brain splitting chaos with death metal
vocals. The only song anyone can remember is the 26 minute Pigkiller; an
ode to the wondrous workings of Mother Nature.
However, things took a nasty turn at the band's second rehearsal when
fellow band co-founder Arse Bacon insisted that the band's name be changed
to "Potter's Wheel" and the music should take on a more progressive folk
element.
In the end it was decided that the band was to be called "Pighorn
featuring Potter's Wheel", but due to various bowel complaints and
horticultural differences, the band decided to split and it wasn’t until
this year that I came out of rocktirement vowing to put Pighorn back
together and to go forth and multiply.
I hired a bunch of lowlife down and outs whose musical careers had been
wasted on women, whiskey and cheap tranquilisers. Their names and
instruments were Arse Beard 1 on guitar and surgical stockings, Arse Beard
2 on drums and dribbling, Arse Beard 3 on guitar and flatulence and
finally Arse Beard 4 on bass, hearing aid and always being fired on stage.
So it was rather fitting that Easter Monday was to be the day that Pighorn
rolled away the stone and emerged from their cave to entertain you once
more in only the way Pighorn can!!
The set consisted of the traditional folk song Katcheth Us If You Kan,
followed by Pighorn originals Let There Be Socks, The One In Wales and
finishing with another David Clarke the Fifth traditional lament, Glad
It’s Foookin’ Over. The audience certainly were and although some
numbskull shouted out for more, the band was already out of the building
and leaving in a fleet of ambulances!!
Which brings us to the real stars of the night. Uncle Rotter - consisting
of lead guitarists General Slave and Twiggy Bang Bang, Venom Rotter on
rhythm guitar, Dr.T (M.D.) on bass, tom tom tickler Ramirez Rotter and of
course Uncle himself on Vocals. They showed Pighorn and the audience how
it should really be done.
Kicking off with the transcendent beauty of Alien Sex Farm, Glitter Queen
and Cereal Killer (no relation of the Green Jello tune), they brought the
audience to their feet and in some cases, premature ejaculation. Not even
giving them time to wipe themselves clean, they launched like nuclear
warheads into Severe Perver, Devil's Work, the anthemic Your Mum’s Red Hot
Even Though She’s Stone Cold Dead and Auto Asphyxiation Circle Jerk
Suicide Pact.
Then came a series of educational songs; Don’t Smoke Crack (Snort It From
Your Dead Mum’s Pussy), What D’ya Fucking Mean You Don’t Like Clowns?,
Babysitter Splitter and Tall Girls In New Rocks.
Returning to encore with I Wanna Cut Out And Keep The Eyes Of P.J. Soles
and one of the finest songs ever to be written, Fit Goth Chicks (On The
End Of My Dick), it was sheer unadulterated poetry of the finest quality
that left the audience salivating like Pavlov dogs.
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank Angel Infernus and
Andy Evil Eye for providing DJ sets of the finest quality which resulted
in exploding pants on the dance floor. Thanks to the Jägerettes and also
to your fine selves for hauling your arses out on a Monday night and
rocking harder, heavier and more animal than I’ve seen in a long while.
Next week, Monday 20th April, is Killer Surprise Party week and believe me
it’s going to be KILLER. I’m limited to only 100 people on the night as
300 other people have already been invited and will be showing up, so get
there early or forever be a powerslave!!!
Entertainment will be provided by magician Jon Randall who will perform
twice on the night, oooooerrrrr missus. One of which will be the
astounding Houdini Séance!!!!
Music is from the first class covers' band Netherworld, and Andy Evil Eye
and myself will be spinning the magic silver discs.
Hope to see you there, now wipe that chocolate off your gobs and go and
tidy your rooms!!! Muuuuuuuuuuhahahahahahahahhaha!!!!
Krusher
Wednesday April 8th 2009
Jimi Hendrix, Randy Rhoads, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page,
Jeff Beck, Eddie Van Halen, Ritchie Blackmore and Paul Gilbert.
All these names are synonymous with the guitar. All are players of the
finest quality and all are known primarily for their work using electric
powered instruments, not that there’s anything wrong or immoral about
that.
But in this day and age, it’s truly a very rare guitarist/song writer who
can deliver the power of rock on an acoustic.
In the past, players like Michael Hedges, Leo Kottke, Chet Atkins, Merle
Travis and Bert Jansch were all masters of the acoustic. Sadly, only
Kottke and Jansch are still alive and they are now well into their 60s. No
disrespect to any of these great players but none of them are known for
being rock monsters.
But, my dear droogies, that was all put to rights last Monday night at the
Embassy when songwriter and acoustic guitar player extraordinaire Robert
Brown took to the stage and delivered a set that was jaw dropping.
He kicked off with one of his own compositions called She Likes To Hurt
Me; a song that would sit proudly on any given rock album by any given
rock star!
And he didn’t stop there. Next came a song he wrote about Hendrix called
Johnny Allen, then a beautiful folk/blues based song called Oh My Head and
a song called Ocean Of Stars that would sit comfortably on any Zeppelin
album.
And talking of Percy and the boys, he followed with the old ‘Blind’ Willie
Johnson song In My Time Of Dying which their interpretation of appeared on
Physical Graffiti.
But if you thought that was an old song, what came next was positively
fooookin’ ancient as it told the story of an event from 1851 when a gang
of thirty or forty poachers were attacked by ten gamekeepers, one of whom
was mortally wounded during the battle.
Four of the poachers were tried for his murder, found guilty of
manslaughter and sentenced to transportation for fourteen years. It was an
old tale brought up to date beautifully.
Next came another of Robert’s original songs, the epic Falling From A Great Height
(check it out at www.myspace.com/robertbrownmusic1) by which
time not only was the entire audience totally captivated but the bar staff
stood mesmerised and even Greg, the mysterious klub manager, appeared from
his inner sanctum to capture what must be said was quite possibly the BEST
EVER acoustic solo artist performance that I’ve ever seen!
Robert returned to encore with yet another olde song from the late 1880’s
called Lord Franklin. The song is a traditional ballad commemorating the
loss of Sir John Franklin's British Arctic Expedition of 1845 and was
allegedly written by Jane Griffin (Lady Franklin), Sir John's widow. And
that was our lot for the night.
Robert, I salute you, thank you and invite you back any time you want to
play. He provided a true lesson in the power of an acoustic guitar. He
also has a great voice and good folk/blues/rockin’ songs!!!
Next week is my birthday blow out and not only have we got the
magnificence of Gothic glam rock from Uncle Rotter, but after great
persuasion and putting horticultural differences aside, my old band
Pighorn is reforming for one night only.
Normally I’d say this is something to be missed but we’ve not played in 15
years and last time we did, the plugs were pulled on us and the band were
swinging punches, instruments and surgical stockings at each other. This
could be the performance to put the band well and truly to rest,
harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Haaaaaaaarrrrgh!! Haaaaargh!!!
Hopefully there’ll be a few more surprises and just to put the icing on
the cake, the Jaegerettes will be prowling the klub with their medicinal
potion!
Turn up on the door and say ‘Krusher sent me!’ and you’ll get in for FREE
as my birthday present to you!
Till then, may the farce of the arsechicken be with you!! Hi! Ho! Silver,
Rock 'n' fooooookin Roll!!!
Krusher
Thursday April 2nd 2009
The original idea for the rock night at the Embassy was based on the old saying
‘something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue’.
What I wanted to do was alternate the weeks with bands that had history filling the
‘something old’ slot, ooooooo errrrrrrr. Quireboys, Raw Glory I salute you!!!
Then I wanted a week where we gave new bands a chance to play before a London
audience, gawwwd help them, as without a doubt London audiences are quite probably
the most spoiled audience anywhere in the world!! But thankfully you don’t get that element down at the Embassy and hence Imperial Vipers, Xphere and Gripshift all delivered great sets and much rocking of the pants.
Also in the plans to cover the ‘something borrowed’ bit, was to do a night with
tribute bands salivating like Pavlov dogs, their greasy chests exuding a stench of
rock equal to only that when sniffing the glove and not having to wait 1,450 years
for them to reform. This is something that I’m still working on,
muuuuuuuuuuhahhahahahahahahah!
LetzZep, Dirty DC, Are You Experienced let’s be having you!!!
And finally as far as the ‘something blue’ was concerned I wanted to do a blues
orientated night (at fooookin’ last I get to last Monday’s klub night) as this form
of music is more than a milestone in the history of music, it is the very
foundations on which everything has been built.
I’ll be stunning the death decks with the likes of Son House, Robert Johnson, Hendrix, Chuck Berry, Stones, Muddy Waters, Howlin’ Wolf, Taste and Cream to name but a few, and of course LIVE MUSIC from a band who could take us to the crossroads and back without paying the bus fare
or the ferryman, muuuuuuuuuhahahahahahaha!!
Well this week the blues did come to Mayfair (in the week of the G20 summit I think
not a moment too soon), and I’m not talking about Chelsea footballers and their
extraordinarily gigantic wallets. NO, it came in the form of A.W.E. Laurence Archer
on guitar, Paul Williams on vocals, Clive Edwards tickling the toms and not forgetting
the young whippersnapper on bass, who I’m sure was introduced as Cheeseboard?!?!
I also thought I heard A.W.E. stands for Atomic Weapons Establishment!! Whatever it
stands for they most certainly did the job!
Kicking off with their own compositions Rambling, Who’s Talking and Win Or
Lose they gave me and the audience what we wanted and more.
Laurence’s guitar playing was just so sweet and downright eeeeeeeevil when
necessary while Paul William’s vocals a perfect example of how the blues should be sung.
Simple, mesmerising, telling a story. And of course Mr. Edwards and Chessboard
keeping that solid foundation of bass and drums just rollin’ along!
And when it came to the end of their set they delivered in diamonds and spades.
The Bill Withers classic Ain’t No Sunshine beautifully executed, followed by the
CLASSIC Ashford/Simpson composition Don’t Need No Doctor which was as good a version, indeed if not better as any I’d previously heard by the likes of Ray Charles, Humble Pie, Styx or W.A.S.P.!!!
And finally finishing with Backdoor Man. Not the old Willie Dixon song written for Howlin’ Wolf, but rather the one Mr. Archer wrote for UFO that appears on High Stakes and Live In TOKYO.
It was only their SECOND EVER LIVE gig and was delivered ‘n’ dusted and in my register. That gets a gold star!
One of the finest live blues sets that I’ve seen in a very, very, very long time. If
they ever play near you, definitely get the old crinkly bits of paper out of your
mum’s purse and go and see them!!!
After the set I continued beating the death decks with blues tracks and we finished
the whole night off the way we started it with Jimi Hendrix’s 15 minute version of
Voodoo Chile from Electric Ladyland!
Next week we have Robert Brown is playing. He is one of the finest people to ever draw breath and who quotes his influences as Hank Williams, Hank Snow, Marty Robbins, Charly Pride, Johnny Burnette, Eddie Cochran, Gene Vincent, Jerry Lee, Elvis, not forgetting Hendrix, Zappa, Page, Salvador Dali, Domenech, Buchannon, Egor Stravinsky, Hank Marvin and all points in between.
He is not afraid to say he doesn’t listen to Dylan or the Beatles! Ohhhhhhhh kontraversial! And by the way, he rocks!
I hope that you make it down to the klub as he’s something special that should be experienced live amongst the many, many tunes to split pants to that I’ll be playing!
May your pants never split and more importantly may you never soil them!!
Krusher
ARCHIVE
If you missed Krushers' previous blogs you can find them here. Or if you have already read them and they tickled you so much you would like to read them again, then this is the place.
Click here for the archive
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